"small universal child morning star purple flower of love"

when things are going really terribly its so easy to find yourself feeling like nothing's going to ever be right even though you know very well that that's not at all true. my mom always says that the world has a way of taking care of us. i know she's right but things falling apart and feeling awful always make everything fall apart more because of how awful you feel. and its so hard to see what you're letting yourself do because somehow feelings always get in the way of ever being able to be rational. and you don't know that you're actually driving yourself out of your mind until someone comes and says, "hey, you're driving yourself out of your mind," and then you know and can stop.

replace "you" with "i".

the past few days have been infinitely better and right now i'm sitting in my room with my new bike helmet next to me and my new apartment's keys hanging on a rubber key chain the shape of a sneaker and i'm realizing that this is it: my big fat "i told you so" from the universe, and from my mom.

i wish that people were better at dealing with change.


actually, maybe i just wish that i was better dealing with change.

this one's for jen

today was really exciting because i bought my first .005 micron that will never be used for a homework assignment. i'm not sure exactly why that feels like a big deal to me, but there is something that just feels nice about existing outside of school but utilizing the tools that were acquired there. somehow i've managed to tell myself that the approaches i took while in school are no longer valid or smart enough. maybe my brand new .005 micron will prove me wrong. maybe it will be what helps me see that i can work outside of the strict deadlines of finals and still have it's .005 line draw something that makes me say, 'yessss'.

i was talking to jen about the fact that i hadn't updated in a while and how i just don't want this blog to become more about 'this is what i did today' than 'this is what i'm working on'. but i guess since very little is being worked on (and, lets be honest, who knows when that's going to get back underway) for now the everyday whatevers are just going to have to do. i mean, in the end, it's the everyday whatevers that are going to influence the stuff anyway.

i found out yesterday that my (former) professor's son, tyler, who i was planning on babysitting for two days a week this summer got into daycare. jean offered to give me the names of other mommies but i'm really not interested in being a babysitter. i just wanted to hang out with tyler who's pretty much awesome although not very good at playing with others. at the playground on monday i taught him how to shoo away a pigeon and he proceeded to shoo away the next kid who came over to play with his toy truck.
"only with birds, tyler."
maybe daycare isn't such a bad idea.

this is so emo. i'm really sorry.

lazy sunday

today i made a really amazing lunch for myself of eggs with garlic and thyme and pecans and vermont cheddar cheese on a baguette with drizzled balsamic vinegar. and i had some cherries, which i love but always forget exist fresh until summer comes and then i remember and am happy because it means that the season is here that we seem to always be waiting for. the idea of summer is so strange, like how things seemingly become okay even when they're not. i just still feel so tired. also, i've been spending the afternoon looking online at maira kalman's the principles of uncertainty and she makes me feel so crazy and excited and scared that i'll never ever in my life be able to make something so wonderful.

this is the third night i've heard fireworks down by the waterfront and i really wish i knew what they were for. i really love fireworks.

i like how when you clean your room you're sort of also cleaning out your head.

one more thing...

caitlin and i saw this today at the museum of arts and design and i basically peed my pants.

cleaning and making more messes

i've (finally) begun the process of seriously cleaning and reorganizing my room which of course means hours of distraction and funny memories and plenty of frustration. then i started going through old emails and iphoto and decided that maybe it wasn't the best use of time and that i should just try to go to bed or something but decided to do this instead. who's to say what's a good use of time, anyway.


i bought this yarn today and the clasp is from a bunch of jewels that caitlin's mom was throwing away and laura is going to (re)teach me how to knit and i'm going to make a bag. i've been feeling sort of stuck and scared to make things (shocking) but have been having all these ideas. i'm thinking that when i actually start my jobs and have a regular schedule i'll feel less like i'm just floating around and more like i'm being a productive human. after all, babysitting and selling muffins are very productive and essential parts of any post-graduate attempt to ignore real life for as long as possible.

tuesday

two-two: me and you (guys)

i recently told a special friend that i think everyone deserves to be adored. a few days later, and under very different circumstances, i can't help but think about that. about the fortune of just having it there, right in front of me, flowing freely without effort or question, from people who have found me. people who i have found. birthdays always feel so hopeful. thanks, friends.

the moooon

i've decided that for the month of june the only real thing i'm going to be doing is sketchbooking. i kept trying to think of a good project to start myself off with but i can't imagine doing anything with much structure or commitment these days. i can't even get myself to apply for a job even though i really really need one. i've made the summer goal of drawing trees better because right now when i draw geometric things they look like they come to life but when i draw actual living things they just look floppy.
yesterday at 7 pm we took an 'impromptu' trip to coney island that we planned at noon. maybe for some spontaneity needs to be worked up to. who knows, by the end of the summer we could be making sandwiches and suggest that they be eaten on the beach and then just leave instead of planning the trip to the beach then making sandwiches to bring with us.
tonight, at the animal collective show, i could hardly see anything accept the backs of some very trendy and unkempt hairstyles. i kept closing my eyes. sometimes it feels really nice to imagine that the bass is replacing your heartbeat. it's cloudy tonight so you can't see the moon that last night was full and orange and perfect. i guess it's just comforting to know that things are there even when you can't see them.