mom: yeah, you look like shit.
me: fuck you
i'm in vermont. this morning i woke up to the men who are painting my mom's condo standing directly outside my window clunking around heavy ladders and speaking in even heavier vermont accents. (no 't's, long vowels). to remedy my grump i watched cinderella on vhs. after that i found myself looking through the dresser that has three drawers full of all the stuff i couldn't throw away when i moved out after high school, which, for obvious reasons, means its actually just a dresser full of high school. pictures, yearbooks, knick knacks, journals. the sketchbook is my favorite. it's basically just a bunch of squiggly lines and one drawing of a man throwing up flowers. its nice to know things haven't changed that much.
it's been weird realizing that somewhere along the line 'going home' and 'going on vacation' became the same thing. one night when joan and freddie were here we pulled the car over too look at all the stars before the moon rose. they're really the kind of amazing that doesn't even feel worth trying to understand because it just can't possibly make sense. sort of like choosing to live in a place where you can't even see them can't possibly make sense. in the daytime the sun hangs more to the south than it did in may, i can tell by how the light hits my dad's porch. fall is approaching in a serious way. the chimes, though, they always sound the same. its just so beautiful here and i can't help but keep thinking about those stars. for some reason it breaks my heart a little to know that some things are just so far away.