Sunday, May 27, 2007

sometimes we just have to get unstuck

i'm really bad at starting things. i've been thinking seriously about this blog for a week but keep feeling too anxious to write the first entry. it's like the first page of the sketchbook: always the hardest to fill. actually, i usually leave the first page completely blank. followed by a page that just has my contact information on it with maybe a little doodle on the facing page but nothing that requires too much commitment. i can't do that with this so i just haven't written anything. it's not like i didn't have time. i was home doing nothing. well, not nothing. actually, yeah, it was nothing, but in a very purposeful "let's do nothing together" sort of way (with people i'm completely obsessed with, no less). after school ended i think i leaped as fast as possible at the opportunity to get myself far away (geographically and mentally) from new york. a perfect trip to tennessee, north carolina, and vermont for just long enough to remember that life outside of pratt can exist in a way that doesn't just make you not want to pull your hair out but actually makes you remember how beautiful everything is and how much there is to be excited about. this morning i realized (after walking in to a serious post-finals house frozen since we all left over a week ago and decided, instead of cleaning, to lay in my bed with a fan on me then tend to the plants then write this entry) that taking it easy and enjoying small moments exists here too as long as you allow it. which is a good thing to remember when it comes to starting projects instead of being scared of them.

everyone keeps asking how it feels to be a graduate and i keep telling them to ask me again in september. my hesitation to start things and my tendency to be a deadline worker worries me when i think of post-graduate life. i wanted to start this blog as a way of setting up for myself some kind of project. hopefully it will serve as some record of creative discipline that i'm pretty sure that i have but am terrified i don't. it doesn't matter if you're good at what you do if you can't do it without a deadline, and today, i realized that i was relying on the same habits to start my e-life outside of facebook and gmail that is being created with the sole purpose of breaking those habits. silly me. i realized that all i needed to do was just fill that first page so i can get on with the rest of it which i know is the good stuff anyway. that being scared to start an entry is as silly as being scared to start a drawing. and that i need to chill the freak out.

i just wanna start sharing things with the world because i feel like it shares a lot with me.


Anonymous said...

you are beautiful

Rob said...

yayayayayayayayaayayayayayayaya yay yay yay

Caitlin said...

i'm so excited! i want to blog and blog and blog nowwww